


Clueless Bisexual and Useless Lesbian

by lrhaboggle



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex is exasperated, Bisexual Kara Danvers, Endgame Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Eve is adorable, Eve is awesome, Eve is underrated, F/F, Funny, Gay, Humor, Just gals being pals, LGBT, Lesbian, Lesbian Lena Luthor, Oblivious, Romance, Short, SuperCorp, They're both oblivious, Useless Bisexual Kara Danvers, Useless Lesbian Lena Luthor, clueless bisexual, gal pals, one shots, queer, useless lesbian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2019-11-03 17:53:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17882462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lrhaboggle/pseuds/lrhaboggle
Summary: In Chap 1. Lena realizes Kara is a clueless bisexual who can't pick up on flirting if it kills her.In Chap 2. Kara realizes Lena is the one who mistakes romantic actions for platonic intentions.In Chap 3. The Super-Friends can't believe Kara and Lena don't realize they're gay for each other.In Chap 4. Useless and Clueless finally figure it out.(Each chapter is a standalone story).





	1. Clueless Bisexual

"So, I'm guessing it didn't go over too well?" Eve asked sympathetically when she caught sight of her boss, Lena Luthor, sitting alone at her desk with a frustrated and despondent expression.

"What was your first clue?" Lena chuckled darkly as her young and peppy assistant walked in, carrying some of the files Lena had requested earlier. Eve gave Lena another sympathetic expression as she set the files down on Lena's desk.

"What happened this time?" she asked and Lena heaved a sigh before responding.

"Well, I took your advice about getting her jewelry," she said slowly. "She liked it, but then she suggested getting me something in return."

"Well, that's good, isn't it?" Eve asked forehead wrinkling in confusion.

"She said she would buy me something matching, or similar, so that it could be like having one of those stupid little BFF necklaces," Lena finished.

"Ah," Eve's face changed into a look of understanding at once. "That's rough."

"No kidding," Lena gave another dry laugh.

For a moment, there was only silence, Eve dutifully awaiting her next orders while Lena tried to collect her thoughts. At last, though, Lena did manage to find her voice again.

"I just don't understand it!" she began with a noise of frustration.

"I don't either," Eve answered politely.

"I mean, I've already tried flowers! Roses and violets and lavenders! On multiple occasions! You think that would work if nothing else would!" Lena leaned back in her chair. "I've tried all the looks and gazes, all the touches and caresses and hugs. I've done that stupid lip-bite thing, the bedroom eyes, everything! And Kara is still just as clueless as she was when we first met!"

Another brief silence followed, only this time, it was Eve who broke it.

"Well, maybe that's just it," she suggested.

"What is?" Lena asked grouchily. Though she adored Eve, she really wasn't in the mood for anything other than sulking.

"You always do these nice and grandiose things for Kara, so maybe she's come to expect them from you. Like, she doesn't see them as romantic gestures because she doesn't realize that they are supposed to be because you've always been like this for her, even when you two first met!"

"But you think she would've caught on by now!" Lena argued, even though she saw the logic in Eve's suggestion. "I mean, hasn't she ever heard of love at first sight? Sure, maybe I've always been like this around her, but hasn't she at least wondered if it isn't romantic? Hasn't she at least noticed that she's the only one I treat so warmly?"

"Well, Kara has always been a bit... clueless," Eve tried to console Lena, but she knew that she had to be careful in the way she worded that remark, because Lena didn't take kindly to anyone who insulted Kara in any way, shape or form, including in moments like this. But it seemed that Lena was, for once, annoyed enough that she overlooked the insult to Kara and, instead, agreed with it.

"She is the most clueless bisexual to have ever walked this planet!" the Luthor declared, and despite herself, Eve laughed a little. Lena shot her a mildly annoyed look, but didn't have the heart to tell Eve to knock it off. Just because she was having a lousy day, Kara missing yet another romantic gesture, it didn't mean she had to take it out on Eve. Eve was a sweet girl, Lena wasn't going to mistreat her, or take her for granted.

But Lena still had a point. For all of her efforts, Kara remained as clueless to her romantic attractions as ever. Lena had taken Kara out to eat at multiple fancy diners and it still had gone right over Kara's head. So had hand-holding and physical and public displays of affection. All the hugs and calling her "my favorite". All of them had gone right over Kara's head. Lena was really running out of ideas, and none of her online sources really had much to offer her when it came to trying to flirt with a useless bisexual who almost seemed dead-set upon missing every sign you threw her way. Then again, Lena's only online sources were Tumblr, Google, YouTube, and several dating apps like Tinder and OkCupid. Maybe it was time Lena found better websites to get dating and flirting tips from...

Eve had been Lena's most trusted and valuable friend in this whole fruitless endeavor of trying to win Kara's heart, but even Eve was running out of ideas. She'd given a lot of really good tips to Lena from the start, better than what the internet had to offer, but when Lena kept coming back with negative results, even Eve began to wonder if Kara weren't entirely human.

"Come on!" Eve had cried once. "I'm a clueless bisexual too and even I can tell if someone likes me after enough nudges in the right direction!"

"Well, I suppose Kara finally beat you in the game of who can be more clueless," Lena had replied dryly.

"No kidding," Eve had rolled her eyes. "Is she even human? How can she not know about Stonewall? Or all those gay jokes I gave you? The 'lesbi-honest' one always, always, always kills!"

"Unless your Kara Danvers," Lena reminded and Eve had been forced to concur.

But Lena wasn't done yet. Clueless bisexual or not, Kara would see it one way or another that Lena saw her as more than just a friend. Even if Kara was the most "tone-deaf" person on the planet when it came to flirting and romance, especially as pertained to queer people and the queer community at large, Lena was going to break that barrier down somehow!

24 hours later, Lena's head was on her desk again in frustration.

"What was it this time?" Eve didn't even bother asking if Kara had missed Lena's intentions again.

"You don't want to know," Lena replied, head still down, but she told the story anyway.

Apparently, yesterday, after Lena got off of work, she had taken Kara out for dinner, and then a moonlit stroll by National City's river. Romantic? Yes. Obvious? Yes. Totally missed by Kara? Always. But they had been strolling hand-in-hand in this moonlight, alone together, and Lena had been giving Kara as much of the Seduction Eyes as possible, yet the clueless bisexual still managed to ignore or miss every single signal Lena shot her way. But to Lena, the icing on the cake was when she and Kara did manage to run into another couple with the same idea as Lena.

"So, how long have you two been together?" one of the couple had asked.

"Oh, we're just friends!" Kara had replied with a cheerful and innocent shrug.

The couple had exchanged disbelieving looks that Lena yearned to take part in, but as sad as it was to say it, Kara wasn't technically wrong. So long as all of Lena's flirting kept going right over Kara's head, they would never be a romantic couple. Kara had to process what Lena was hinting at (read: hitting her over the head with) before it could technically be considered a romance. So no matter how unbelievable Kara's statement was, it was technically still the truth, though Lena wished that it weren't.

"Just friends, eh?" the other member of the couple had asked and Kara had nodded again, still not understanding why they didn't seem to believe it.

"Yeah," she said. "We're just two gals being pals!"

"She went with the Gal Pal thing?!" Eve interrupted Lena in a fit of laughter.

"Yes," Lena groaned, face still on her desk.

"And I'm guessing she had no idea?" Eve asked through her mirth.

"What do you think, Eve?" Lena grumbled back. "She knows nothing about LGBTQ+ history or culture or cultural references!" but although this issue was sincerely frustrating to Lena, Eve was having far too much fun laughing over the story. Was Kara even human? How could she not see all of the obvious signs Lena was dropping her? Was Kara really just that bad at reading the signs? Or had she been raised in such a different culture that anything remotely gay went right over her head as reference she didn't understand? Or was it a combination of both?

Oh, poor, sweet, innocent Kara, the ultimate clueless bisexual. Even Eve was more aware of her feelings than Kara was of hers. And, in fact, Kara was at her desk a few doors down, right at that moment, busily thinking about what a good friend Lena was to her. Lena would've died if she could hear Kara's thoughts, but thankfully, Lena was spared from those innocently ignorant mental remarks from her painfully unaware crush.

"Useless and clueless bisexual," Lena muttered into her desk while Eve laughed. As always, Kara had no idea any of this was going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I just wanted to see Kara being clueless to poor Lena "Lesbian" Luthor's advances (partly because Kara is clueless, and maybe partly because, as a Kryptonian, she still isn't 100% on the dating rituals of humans. Especially queer humans).
> 
> And also, advice-giver Eve was a last-minute addition, but I don't regret having her here. Eve's actually a really sweet character and I would like to see more of her here, so here's her acting as Lena's support and ally in this frustrating time of the clueless bisexual (my derivative of the useless lesbian, which you'll see next chapter).
> 
> Also, I say Eve is bi just because she was clearly into Mike/Mon El, but her fangirling over Lena when they first meet was kinda gay. Also, Eve is pretty much all of Lena's fanbase in the episode where they first meet. God, Eve is just so adorable. 
> 
> (If Lena did ever fall for Eve, I would say that Lena definitely has a type: women who are blond, bubbly rays of sunshine that love her and seem to pay no mind to her Luthor name). I would ship Lena and Eve, TBH.
> 
> And just a heads up, each chapter is its own separate story. I just combined them all into one fic since they were all born of the same idea.


	2. Useless Lesbian

"Ugh! I just don't get it, Alex! What am I doing wrong?" Kara asked frustratedly as she ran tired fingers through frazzled hair.

"Well, have you tried giving her the violets and lavender?" Alex asked, joining her despondent younger sister on the couch in their apartment. She had two tall glasses of beer with her and Kara took hers gratefully and took a big swig.

"Yes! And she said they were pretty!" Kara griped as the alcohol burned down her throat.

"Well, that's a step in the right direction," Alex tried to encourage, but Kara shot her a look.

"Alex, you and I both know that queer reference went right over her head," the blond snapped.

"Ok, true," Alex admitted. "But I don't see why you're so worked up over it," she added as she took a sip of her own beer.

"Why I'm so worked up over it?" Kara echoed in disbelief. "Alex, I've been in love with Lena for multiple years now and she is still no closer to understanding that than when she was all those years ago! How much longer do I have to wait, and how many more signs do I have to drop, before she finally gets the picture?" the Kryptonian gave another angry sigh before downing more of her beer.

"Guess you really got the classic Useless Lesbian, huh?" Alex asked, trying to force her amusement to turn into sympathy.

"For real," Kara grumbled bitterly. She adored Lena. She really did. But Lena was so painfully oblivious to Kara's feelings for her that it made Kara want to throw herself into the sun. How could Lena be so blind to Kara's affections? Even if Lena had lived a sheltered and lonely life as a child, even if she had never really been a part of the LGBT Community, how on Earth was Lena still missing all of Kara's hints!? Sure, some were a bit more obscure if you didn't know your queer history (like the violets and lavender), but come on! Kara did everything else she'd seen in human Rom-Com films like lip-biting, bedroom eyes, physical and public displays of affection, taking Lena out to eat, buying her gifts. What more did she have to do for Useless Lesbian Luthor to get a clue? Kara wasn't even being subtle anymore, and it wasn't an issue of whether or not Lena was up to date on queer culture. At this point, Lena was just-

"A useless lesbian, I'm telling you," Alex said.

"Yeah, kind of figured that one out already," Kara grumbled again. But then again, Kara reasoned, this was the same woman that had somehow not figured out that Kara was also Supergirl yet, even though the two were very similar and were never together at the same time and this woman in particular had very close ties with both. Lena may have been one of the smartest people alive, but she could be so dense sometimes! Taking into account all the times Lena should've figured out Kara's secret, yet somehow still didn't, made it a bit more believable for Kara that Lena would also somehow miss all of Kara's attempts at flirting. But that didn't make her feel better about any of it.

"I try so hard!" Kara continued to whine. "I've studied human customs and cultures when it comes to flirting and nothing works!"

"Well, to be fair, your idea of 'studying' involved watching rom-coms and surfing Tumblr and BuzzFeed," Alex reminded her younger sister.

"You're not helping," Kara pouted.

"Well, what do you want me to do?" Alex replied with a shrug. "Wrap you up in your bisexual pride flag, mail you directly to Lena's house, and leave a note that says, 'I'm gay for you'?"

"To be honest, I wouldn't mind that idea," Kara replied after a moment of consideration. "Though Lena still probably wouldn't get it," she added with a resigned and defeated sigh. She took another long drink of her beer.

Alex, finally seeming to understand just how much this was bothering Kara, at last took a more sympathetic route than before.

"If you won't confront her directly, is there any way Supergirl could start dropping hints instead?" she suggested and Kara gave a half nod.

"I have considered it," she admitted. "But I really didn't want to make my alter ego into my wingman."

"Well, you have such a useless lesbian on your hands, do you think you really have much of a choice anymore?" Alex asked with a smirk.

"No," Kara replied, sighing again. "I guess the Girl of Steel is going to have to give Lena Luthor the love talk..."

"Oh, please don't phrase it like that," Alex interrupted. "That sounds way too weird for me!" then she shook her head, disgusted by the idea. Kara managed a laugh and Alex's disgust lessened. But only slightly.

The moment Kara found an excuse to have Lena meet up with Supergirl again, she put her plan into action.

"Kara Danvers seems fond of you," Supergirl observed off-handedly.

"Yes, and I am fond of her," Lena confessed, a new softness in her eyes as she said this. For a moment, Kara felt her heart leap into her chest. Maybe Lena had been picking up the signs all along, but was only remaining oblivious out of shyness. Maybe talking to Supergirl would finally shed some light on Lena's feelings for Kara, if Lena really was too shy to talk to Kara directly.

"We've been friends for years now," Lena continued, and all of Kara's hopes came crashing down again. "We met not long after I first moved to National City, and from the very beginning she's always had my back..."

Lena began to tell Supergirl about all the times Kara had proven a true ad loyal friend. Although the list was very long and affectionate, neither Supergirl nor Kara could quite get over how many times Lena managed to say "friend" in that one conversation.

"Yeah, she says you're pretty cool too," Supergirl continued once Lena finally finished speaking her piece about Kara. "We were hanging out recently and she said she was considering asking you out to dinner soon. Have you said anything yet?"

"Oh! She is? She hasn't asked me yet!" Lena replied, and Supergirl wilted again, having hoped that this question might've forced Lena into an answer, or at least have had Lena notice that Supergirl had used the phrase 'asking you out'. But no, Lena still wasn't giving an inch.

Supergirl sighed heavily before trying again. The next half hour or so passed in a similar manner, idle chatter being used to disguise the fact that Supergirl was still trying to gage whether or not Lena had any feelings for Kara, or was at least aware that Kara had feelings for her. The answer seemed to be "no" on all fronts. No matter what Supergirl said or hinted at, Lena always managed to give an ambiguous answer. It was maddening! But nothing Supergirl said or implied did anything to shed any light on any answers!

But when Supergirl finally excused herself from Lena's presence, she did not go without giving the Luthor a gift. A last-ditch effort.

"Oh! What is it?" Lena asked as she took the small box from Supergirl.

"You'll see," Supergirl replied, then she bade Lena a polite goodnight before flying out of the area faster than a speeding bullet. This left Lena alone to study the object Supergirl had given her. Oh! It was a necklace! How thoughtful! It made Lena feel so good to know that Supergirl trusted her enough to offer her this symbol of their alliance. No, their friendship. Lena looked up into the sky and even though Supergirl was long out of Lena's line of sight, Lena smiled upward anyway, silently thanking the Girl of Steel for her gift of peace.

"Which she still doesn't seem to get!" Kara despaired.

"Really? What happened this time?" Alex laughed in disbelief. She knew Lena was a Useless Lesbian, but this was just crazy! Even Alex hadn't expected her to reach this level. Neither Maggie nor herself had ever been quite so blind as Lena was. This was honestly incredible at this point. Alex halfway considered making a bet with Maggie on how long it would take Lena "Lesbian" Luthor to realize Kara was hitting on her. It was too funny for words, and Alex also considered betting on how long it would take Kara to throw in the towel.

"First off, when I complimented her on the necklace the next day, she said it was a 'gift of friendship' from Supergirl," Kara began.

"Oh my god," Alex sniggered.

"Then when I tried to hint that the gem of the necklace was actually a Kryptonian crystal that had a message contained inside, it still went right over her head!" Kara continued. She paused only to shake her head in disbelief before going on. "I mean, the necklace was pink and yellow! Kryptonian colors of romance and marital love! How much more explicit could I possibly be?!"

"Well, now, you have to think about that one," Alex said, raising a hand. "Remember that Lena probably wouldn't understand the necklace anyway, just because that's more of a Kryptonian courting ritual."

"Perhaps," Kara allowed. "But even if that's true that Kryptonians express love differently than humans, you still think the fact that Supergirl gave her a necklace should be enough! I can't give her a total pass for not understanding this act of affection!"

"Perhaps," now it was Alex's turn to agree. "But did you tell her that it was from Kara?"

"No," Kara admitted.

"Then that's probably why it went right over her head," Alex reasoned. "She probably assumed it was only a peace treaty from Supergirl. After all, it's not Supergirl that flirts with her, it's Kara Danvers."

"Well, to be honest, at this point, I'm pretty sure we could both start flirting with her and she wouldn't notice," Kara muttered. "It's like I'm speaking in Kryptonese again. I'm pretty much outright saying that I love her, but she doesn't seem to understand a word I say. It can't be cultural differences either, because I've been using human courtship rituals and none of those have worked! She's useless and clueless!"

"Well, maybe Lena only thinks its friendship because she's never been in a romantic relationship before?" Alex suggested. Though she did not know Lena well, she knew that the woman had had a rather lonely upbringing. Lena would easily be the person to misconstrue romance for platonic love simply because of how unfamiliar she was with love in general. After all, this was the woman who considered flooding Kara's office with flowers to be a strictly friendly gesture. No doubt, Lena was the kind of person to google tips on how to be a good friend, and then confuse romantic actions with platonic ones, or see them as one in the same because they were both new to her. This idea was sad when it wasn't hilarious.

"I've considered that," Kara admitted. "But Lena's still not this stupid! Or at least, she shouldn't be..." Kara began to sulk again.

"I've tried human and Kryptonian tactics and nothing is working. Do we have any other ideas?" she asked Alex.

"Not at the moment," Alex replied. Kara didn't look too happy about this, but what else was she to do except accept it?

But the very next day, she was off and trying again to win Lena's heart.

"By the way, did Supergirl tell you how to read that necklace?" Kara tried again to get Lena to understand just how serious the necklace was.

"Read it?" Lena echoed.

"Yeah," Kara nodded. "You see, it's not just a regular necklace..." then Kara proceeded to explain how, on Krypton, when one person was into another, they gave that other person a gemstone necklace and the gems were essentially shiny flash drives containing several recordings from the necklace-giver to the recipient about why the giver loved the recipient.

"Really?" Lena had been genuinely fascinated by the process. "And how did you know?"

"Uhhh, well, she's talked to me about Krypton before and I was suggesting that she get you something to act as a symbol of your friendship," Kara lied, fiddling with her glasses as she did so. It went right over Lena's head, like always.

"Impressive," Lena nodded again, smiling down at the large pendant.

"Did you want to try and read it now?" Kara asked hopefully.

"Sure," Lena replied. "I think I have something in one of my labs that can translate this for us..."

But 10 minutes later, Kara's hopes were dashed again.

"Oh, Kara! I didn't realize the necklace was from you!" Lena smiled as the hologram of Kara, speaking about how much she cared for Lena, finally flickered off. Kara grinned sheepishly.

"What can I say? Supergirl is my wingman," she said.

"She is a very good one," Lena smiled as she replaced the gemstone into her necklace. "And you are a wonderful friend, Kara Danvers. Thank you so much for the necklace, it really does mean a lot to me..."

That was when Kara found herself wanting to slam her head into the nearest wall, but she knew her head would only go right through it, so that was kind of out of the question. Instead, she could only force a smile as Lena reached out to embrace her happily. While they were hugging, Kara whispered to Lena, but was intentionally too quiet for Lena to hear her:

"Oh Lena, you useless lesbian!" but Kara was smiling as she said this, because even though Lena's constant mistaking of her romantic intentions as platonic ones were frustrating, Kara loved Lena far too much to get mad at her over this. Maybe one day Lena would finally get it, but until then, Kara was going to keep on trying. It would happen eventually, it was just going to take time. A lot of time. But Kara was willing to wait. Maybe Lena was a useless lesbian, but she was Kara's useless lesbian, and that was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: This chapter is the role reversal wherein Lena is the oblivious one. TBH, I can see this happening too. There are already jokes about how Lena is so unaccustomed to having friends that she mistakes romantic actions for platonic ones because she's so unfamiliar with either (filling Kara's office with flowers and then calling her a friend). 
> 
> I almost considered making this fic another Lena-centered one where she's doing all these things for Kara and Kara thinks Lena's hitting on her, but Lena innocently doesn't realize this and thinks she's just being a good friend. (Ex: she takes Kara out for dinner at a fancy restaurant and Kara waits the whole night for Lena to make some moves on her, but because Lena genuinely only thinks she's trying to be a good platonic friend, she never says a word about romance to Kara for the whole night, to Kara's amusement, disbelief and despair).


	3. Useless and Clueless

"Ok, this is just painful," Alex said as she watched Lena and Kara walk down the street, holding hands.

"For real. How are two people so gay without realizing it?" Sam agreed, watching the same thing Alex was.

"And you think that even if they somehow didn't know, someone else would tell them," Maggie said. At the moment, all three of them were chilling at one of National City's parks. Ruby had come with them, though she was presently off playing with some of her other friends. Lena and Kara had come along for the day at the park, but eventually branched off to spend some quality time alone.

"And yet that somehow doesn't register with either of them," Alex shook her head as Kara and Lena vanished around the bend. The two were clearly head over heels for one another, Kara always bringing Lena food and standing up for her in times of trouble and Lena always giving Kara Seduction Eyes and calling her "my favorite", yet both were somehow firmly locked in the belief that it was all only platonic. Alex had lost count of how many times Kara and Lena both referred to each other as "friend". Despite all the romantic things they did for one another, neither Lena nor Kara seemed aware how gay it looked. Somehow, they were entirely convinced that their love for one another was totally platonic. Because yeah, buying your friend a company and filling her office with flowers, or protecting her even when all evidence points against her is totally platonic. But no, somehow, Kara and Lena were both fully convinced that they were both straight and in a platonic friendship.

"Should we tell them?" Sam asked, still looking at the corner Lena and Kara had disappeared around.

"Nah, it would be more fun to wait," Alex answered. Although it was painful for her to see Lena and Kara giggling like schoolgirls, only to casually call each other "friend" all the time (and even "sister", horrible as that had been), she was honestly, at this point, wanting to just let things unfold naturally. She now wanted to see how long Lena and Kara were going to stay oblivious before it finally hit them over the head that they were in love. She was even considering starting a bet with the others on how long it was going to take for Kara and Lena to put two and two together.

"Are you sure?" Maggie asked. "Because it is really frustrating to see them as just gals being pals."

"Oh I agree entirely, but it's also hilarious," Alex said and, right at that moment, Kara and Lena came back into sight. Both of them were laughing and Kara now had her arm wrapped around Lena's waist.

"That is the gayest thing I've ever seen," Sam said as she watched Kara and Lena come back around the bend. At one point, Kara paused to pick a nearby flower, and then she handed it to Lena, who smiled at it.

"Correction. That is the gayest thing you've ever seen," Alex snorted. Kara and Lena would be the people to get married and, on their wedding day, insist it was a platonic marriage, or some crap like that. Or they would be tricked into a wedding and honest-to-god think it was some sort of friendship ceremony. And that was the saddest and funniest part about all of this: both of them would be totally serious about their platonic love for one another. The two of them were honestly sure that they only shared a platonic relationship. They weren't the queer women who were in the closet, they were the queer women who weren't even aware that there was a closet. Or that they were queer. They were both totally and sincerely convinced that they were only just friends and Alex didn't know if the thought made her want to laugh or cry.

"Oh, no, wait. That's the gayest thing we've ever seen," Maggie interrupted Alex's amused thoughts. Lena had just pecked Kara on the cheek and Kara had give her a gushy laugh in response before nuzzling her right back.

"Oh my god, if they still try and insist they're straight after this..." Alex began, burying her face in her hand in disbelief.

"What happened to just letting it unfold?" Sam teased.

"It's not worth it!" Alex pretended to be in agony. "Someone has to tell them! I can't take the queerbaiting!"

"Well, you know if you try and tell them, they'll have no idea what you're talking about," Maggie said.

"Don't remind me," Alex replied, groaning through her hand. In the distance, Kara and Lena were still grinning like idiots at each other. Sam and Maggie cast each other amused looks while Alex only rolled her eyes again.

A few hours later, the gang had all gone out for dinner.

"So, how was your day with your friends?" Sam asked Ruby. Ruby launched into a long and excited story in reply, but once it was all said and done, Sam turned the question to Lena and Kara.

"Oh, our day was just fine!" Lena answered with a smile.

"Just a good day out with your gal-pal?" Sam asked with a sly smile. It was an insinuation lost upon Kara and Lena.

"Exactly," Kara nodded, throwing an arm around Lena with a proud smile. "We pretty much just walked and talked, but when you're best friends, that can be more than enough to keep you entertained!"

"Agreed!" Lena smiled fondly at Kara, and Kara smiled back. Alex took a long sip of her drink while Maggie stared hard at the table and Sam bit back a laugh. None of them had ever met so oblivious a couple as these two, but maybe that was why they were a couple, because both of them were the most useless and clueless queers to ever walk the Earth. They were certainly well-matched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Here's the unplanned third chapter wherein BOTH Lena and Kara are oblivious, much to everyone else's despair and amusement.


	4. Better Late Than Never

After literal years of cluelessness, uselessness and just general obliviousness to everything, there finally came a day when Alex came up with a perfect plan to get Lena and Kara to realize their feelings for one another.

"And if it doesn't work, I'm throwing all three of us off of L-Corp!" she muttered to herself as she strung up a sprig of mistletoe right over the doorway to her and Kara's apartment. She meant her words quite literally, because if forcing the two to outright kiss somehow still didn't make the two of them realize how much they were in love with one another, then nothing ever would, and Alex wasn't quite sure she could take it any longer.

That night, the Danvers family Christmas party began. Alex, Eliza and Kara greeted each and every guest as they entered the merry little apartment one by one. First came Nia and Brainy, then Winn, then Kelly and James, then Sam and Ruby, then J'onn, then Lena.

"Lena!" Kara smiled in delight as she opened the door, and her arms, to welcome the Luthor into her apartment, and hug.

"Kara! Ah! It's so good to see you again! Merry Christmas!" Lena replied, eyes widening and brightening as she all but flew into Kara's arms.

"Merry Christmas!" Kara echoed with a smile as she continued to embrace Lena. Alex watched it all unfold with a smirk. It was showtime!

"Lena!" Alex interrupted Kara and Lena's little hug, smiling warmly at the Luthor, but there was mischief in her eyes, but Lena missed it.

"Alex!" Lena replied politely, stepping innocently out of Kara's arms in order to properly greet the elder Danvers. "Merry Christmas!"

"Isn't it?" Alex agreed, gesturing upward. Lena and Kara both tilted their heads back. Oh.

"So I guess you two have to kiss now, eh?" Alex asked loudly, instantly attracting the attention of everyone else in the room. All ears and eyes turned to them at once, a perfect silence settling over the entire apartment in less than half a second. It was no secret to anyone else in the room that Lena and Kara were madly in love with one another, yet were somehow convinced that they were only really close platonic friends. It was ironic. The only two people there who didn't know about the Thing going on between Kara and Lena were Kara and Lena themselves. But everyone else was all too aware of their amazing chemistry and sexual tension. How they hadn't figured it out themselves years ago was a mystery to all the others, but when they heard Alex's "innocent" question, their eyes and ears all perked up with interest. Was it true? Was it really true?! Was their OTP (which they had been waiting for _years_ to become canon) actually, finally, really, truly going to kiss?

"Oooh!" Winn was the first to cry out, his entire face lighting up like the sun as he pointed to the sprig of mistletoe dangling over Kara and Lena's heads. As every other eye in the room caught sight of it, they all began to gasp and grin like idiots. Here it was! The moment of truth! How could Lena and Kara miss something this blatant? It was time for this ship to set sail! Especially for people like J'onn, James, Winn and Eliza, who had been watching it progress for the past three years now. They were the ones most anxious to finally see the useless lesbian and clueless bisexual hook up just because of how freaking long the two had been innocently dancing around one other, crying "gal pals!" every time they did something that they should've both caught as being romantic rather than platonic.

"Jeez, you guys, I don't see why it's that big of a deal. The whole mistletoe thing is just a stupid little ritual. It doesn't actually mean anything, and you all know it!" Lena muttered as she noticed the intensity of all the eyes pointed at her and Kara. It was going right over her head why they looked so desperate to see her and Kara kiss. They were just friends. And it wasn't like they hadn't shared friendly kisses on the cheek before. What was so different now except that it was underneath the mistletoe? Why was everyone acting so hyped up? Lena just didn't understand.

"Yeah, you perverts!" Kara teased them all, the reason behind their keenness going over her head just as much as it was going over Lena's. "It's just a bit of mistletoe! It's not like we've ever seen this kind of thing before! Besides, what is a simple kiss between friends anyway?"

"Friends?" Sam scoffed while Winn, Eliza and J'onn all gave pained sighs.

"Just kiss her already!" Alex sighed impatiently, so Kara gave her a good-natured shrug before pecking Lena on the cheek.

"No! That's cheating!" Alex snapped immediately, and everyone else in the room looked just as short-changed, even though they managed to not burst out the way Alex had. But Ruby was snickering while Winn, Eliza and J'onn all gave pained sighs again, joined this time by James and Sam. Nia looked embarrassed while Brainy only looked confused.

"Cheating?" Kara echoed teasingly. "All the rules say is that you need to kiss under the mistletoe, but it doesn't specify where! Besides, Winn and J'onn got to do the same thing last year!" she added, referring to the time when she and Alex had hung mistletoe right over J'onn's office as a joke so that when Winn went to talk to him, they were able to bully him into kissing J'onn. He had been more than willing to give the grumpy old alien a kiss as a joke, but J'onn had scowled the entire time. He also made a big show of sanitizing his face after it was all over.

"That's different!" J'onn protested, looking a bit embarrassed at the memory.

"How? We're friends just the same way you and Winn are!" Kara asked back. Alex had since buried her face in her hands. How the heck did something as explicit as mistletoe still manage to go over the heads of Lena and Kara? Was it really possible for anyone to be this useless or clueless? Apparently so. It was almost painful at this point. And everyone else in the room looked just as defeated, but there were a few smiles of amusement that Lena and Kara managed to be so thoroughly convinced that they were "just friends".

"Look, let's just get back to the party, alright?" James asked finally. "We've had our kissy-kissy fun for tonight, so let's turn the music back on and keep on rocking out!" he said, shooting Alex a sympathetic look. Kara and Lena both looked delighted by this prospect and were more than happy to strut on over to the table, still totally ignorant to all the amused and exasperated stares the rest of the party was throwing at them.

By the end of the night, though, it finally, finally, FINALLY clicked.

"Where did that old tradition come from anyway?" Kara asked Lena, gesturing to the mistletoe still hanging over the doorway.

"I honestly don't know," Lena admitted. "But how about we find out?" then she pulled out her phone and began to type. It was after exploring various websites that the pair had a few possible answers. Some of them were purely platonic, in the sense that the kissing was more about love in general than anything sexual or particular, but other theories did take a more romantic route, hinting at courtship and marriage.

"Wouldn't that be funny if it was actually true?" Kara asked. "If you actually could find your significant other after a mistletoe kiss?"

"It would," Lena agreed with a laugh, but it was after that one innocent remark that a new idea slowly started to turn over in both of their heads.

"What if _we_ got married because of a mistletoe kiss like that?" Kara asked next, being completely serious, and Lena genuinely pondered the idea.

On a surface level, it still seemed like a strange, silly idea, finding a romantic partner after kissing under a plant, but as she considered the question, and its asker, she found herself not entirely shut off to the idea. What if the mistletoe did have some sort of magic power? Not that Lena believed in magic, of course! But in theory… What if Lena started dating Kara? What if Kara started dating Lena? What if they became a romantic couple? What if they kissed more often? And what if those kisses became something deeper and longer than a friendly peck on the cheek? What if they made that stupid little mistletoe myth real by choosing to start a romantic relationship? What if it wasn't so silly after all?

Kara's mind was running the same track and she could see it in Lena's eyes that they were both thinking about the same thing.

"Did you want to try?" she asked at last, voice so soft that even she almost couldn't hear it. But Lena heard it loud and clear over the laughter and song filling the rest of the apartment and she nodded. Slowly at first, then faster and faster. _Yeah. Ok. Let's try it_. And so they did. Slowly, they leaned in. And then their lips were touching. And they felt happy.

"Holy shoot, OMG, OMG, OMG!" Nia whisper-yelled, elbowing Brainy violently.

"Ow! Hey!" he protested at first, then when he saw where Nia was pointing, his eyes and mouth went wide. "Oh!" but before he could say anything else, Nia had zoomed off over to Alex, who was chatting with Sam, Kelly and Ruby.

"Look!" she commanded, pointing back into the living room where Lena and Kara were still busy kissing. Alex's jaw dropped, and so did the glass she was holding. She was so genuinely surprised that she had honestly lost her grip on her drink. Ruby was actually able to catch it before it hit the floor, but Alex could only stare, genuinely stunned. And was she also proud? Annoyed that she hadn't seen the kiss actually start? Grossed out because this was still her little sister they were talking about here? Or bummed out because she knew that this meant-

"Ha! You owe me $20!" Sam sounded triumphant. The entire group of Superfriends had long been placing bets on if/when Kara and Lena would ever realize their own feelings about one another, and the most recent was between Sam and Alex about the mistletoe blunder. Ironically enough, that had actually been what they were right in the middle of discussing when Nia came over: whether or not Kara and Lena would figure it out. Sam had advocated for the idea that the mistletoe kiss would work, just not right away. Alex, however, had been far more cynical. But for once, she had been proven wrong. It seemed that it was only a delayed reaction after all! But now…

One by one, every other head in the room turned as they watched Lena and Kara continue to kiss. Every reaction was similar: wide eyes and wide mouths. Some were stunned, some were delighted and some were smug. After a few seconds, though, all eyes turned away politely as Lena and Kara finally, finally, FINALLY began to explore this new dimension in their relationship. Better late than never.

And aside from Ruby stealing Sam's $20 from Alex's wallet, J'onn, James, Winn, Kelly and Nia were also exchanging money. Eliza gave them an affectionate eye-roll while Brainy continued to give everyone a confused smile. Although he, to some degree, understood that everyone else had been dying to see Kara and Lena get together, he still hadn't quite understood why they all took it so seriously.

"Because they're our OTP and it's about time they became canon!" Winn and Nia told him in unison. "It may have taken them years, but hey! Better late than never!" they added with long-suffering expressions. "Our ship has finally set sail!"

"Ohh," Brainy nodded. But then his eyebrows furrowed in confusion once again. "What's an OTP? And what's with all the ships and canons? Are these naval codes for something?" he asked, and this earned him a laugh from everyone else in the area and they were all more than happy to explain to him about the wonderful, painful world of shipping…

But while the rest of the party-goers excused themselves into the kitchen, Lena and Kara remained on the couch.

"I can't believe I never realized it before," Kara laughed softly at herself as she and Lena finally pulled away from their first kiss.

"I can't either. How could it have taken us so long? Are we really that blind?" she asked. If any of the other guests had heard, the answer would've been a very loud, hearty, exasperated YES.

"I guess we just never really thought about it before…" Kara began to muse, pondering how she and Lena could've gone for so long without realizing how they truly felt for one another.

"Well, heteronormativity is one heck of a blinder, especially if you're a Luthor," Lena admitted with a dry smile. As one as socially stunted and shunned as she, especially in the world of romance, was it any wonder why it had taken her so long to realize that which was standing right in front of her this whole time? Lena wasn't always good at understanding her own feelings. Or how others felt about her. And as cunning and smart as she was, her history did make it hard for her to understand all of these human customs and interactions, especially in a world as cloudy and nuanced as the world of romance. It was already tricky to navigate dating life, but it was even harder if you were an emotionally-stunted Luthor.

And Kara had a similar problem. She hadn't been able to discern friendship from romance with Lena either. And it wasn't just because she was an alien, because she was fairly adept at understanding human customs by this point. She supposed it was just the trickery and confusion of romance in general, and not necessarily any personal fault. And like Lena had said, the typically-heteronormative path of society did make it hard to imagine a life outside of that norm. And even though it should've been obvious, what with her own sister being a lesbian and all, for some reason, Kara just never quite connected the dots. She knew Alex was gay, but for some reason, she never thought to question herself. At least until now.

"Three years. What a record," Kara shook her head in amusement. She would worry about coming out to the others tomorrow. Tonight, she still needed time to process the fact that she had somehow missed out on her own feelings and simplified them without even realizing it for that incredibly long. And Lena was in the same boat. But, as she was quick to point out, better late than never.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Here you go, clarkpormz14 and Scpercorp. The useless and clueless finally figure it all out.
> 
> (If S5 doesn’t end this way, which it probably won’t, tbh, I will cry. I need a make-up/make-out moment between them!!!)


End file.
